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"Open your heart to the Bully Man"
by Marilyn Fuss

 How about the one in the wrapped pillbox, just now gone himself?


Not simply that pale proxy Reaper, but the original. When did you first face him? Was it a childhood encounter: the crushed snail, the hamster impaled on a broken running wheel, a pet in the street?  With luck, you warded off the loss of another human until you were a little older, and the most fortunate among us do not encounter peers dying until adulthood. I do remember crying when I thought of my parents dying, especially my mother, who naively and foolishly cultivated this fear in me by regularly warning that my bad behavior would spike her blood pressure, the only wild card in her constitution.


Rarely, there emerged soul-gnarling stories of mom's two siblings who died as children; one during the flu epidemic of 1918, and the other from a bad diphtheria vaccine, expiring with her hand resting on a tangerine. Though I did not encounter another kid's death myself, I certainly knew it could and did happen, and know it tinged my mother's, and thus my life, with more caution than is wise.


There were those freshman suicides from the tall dorm buildings. Not much later, there was the loss of former schoolmates in Viet Nam, that constant televised reminder of the consequences of U.S. hubris. The world saw how Charles Manson with his Rasputin eyes inveigled young girls to randomly massacre, scouting some very visible victims for them, but finding others, with even higher profiles.


Manson passed through Berkeley when I was there during spring of that killing year, 1969. Over tea of all things, in his van, he tried to seduce my roommate, fervidly but gently: "You're a virgin, I can tell." he affirmed as he placed his hand on her collarbone. Unscathed, unimpressed, when she would not talk to him the next day, she asked me to intercede volubly through the closed door, telling that circuitous bully that she was not home, and unlikely to ever be. He had a hard time taking no for an answer....I had a sighting to peruse, later on.


When I worked in a college town as a young adult, I was deeply astounded when some students I knew "gorged out". They chose plunging into a breathtaking natural formation over completing their lives, let alone finishing their undergraduate education. I read a book called THE SAVAGE GOD about the phenomenon of suicide, perhaps with murder, the most emotionally loaded form of death. The most persistent memory I have of that book by A. Alvarez is that those who lose people early in life are among the most likely to actively efface themselves. Around that same time, I read Norman Mailer's cocktail table documentary about Marilyn Monroe and her puzzling end, and viewed Ingmar Bergman's THE SEVENTH SEAL. In my callowness, I was more taken with the director's extended metaphor of the chess game with Death than I was with the torture Bergman was clearly trying to channel off with his artistry. I'd also been headed off, by his great admirer Woody Allen, into stepping away from it and satirizing it some. Bergman's work felt too forlorn to merely endure and consider. Watching the same milestone film last week had a much heavier cache, which I was able to access and make portable, from an age much closer to the director's at the time.


My first actual funerals viewing the dead were in my thirties, and the peacefully resting were 96 and 84, and not close to me, which clearly buffered the impact. Around that time, my high-school boyfriend died on a motorbike. This was an apocalyptic horse of another color. Though I never saw him dead, his crash was the most resonant up to then.  His brother's friend, also at his memorial, was the daughter of an undertaker. She'd lived on the mortuary grounds, and told us that her father had let her and a sibling gaze at a two-year-old who had died from a snakebite in the chaparral above Tujunga, though he sheltered them from all the other denizens of his silent workshop. The woman's lively frankness and humanity was still colored by the weirdness of her proximity to that damned Bully.


I mused more on murder reading TRUE CONFESSIONS, by John Gregory Dunne around then. It was based on the Black Dahlia killing in L.A. in 1947, the year I was born. Twenty-five years after that book came out, I read Steve Hodel's solution of that murder and others of young women: the perpetrator was likely Hodel's own father, a doctor who was formerly a music prodigy and crime reporter. Hodel so logically assembled his case that his readers, certainly yours truly, were convinced of its veracity. I had read the documentary coming out of an accident which involved replacing the top of my thigh bone with a titanium ball and spike. That surgery had me so far below the surface with its anaesthetic, and with enough blood loss, that I'd awakened in the intensive care room blinking at the epiphany of the Lakers knowing that, even if subliminally, I'd glimpsed the Bully for a nanosecond. And I who rarely read mysteries fictional or real, was more willing to spend time exploring empirical mortality than I had been. This fascination, like my pubescent phase of squinting in terror through scary movies and roller coasters, passed.



My brother, estranged by my early motherhood, then re-found for a time, had died in the first wave of AIDS, and taught me some of the Bully's methods: a new darkness to the drunk dial, eggplant skin splotches, the desiccated cough through the night, my tears with no sound, just a doorway away. Later, my mother, sharing till the end: making her last few years her most evolved, demanding little, refusing artificial maintenance, buying her only grandchild's graduation frock, dying within two weeks of her sentence, sending advice about the loss of a child to my friend whose son had submitted to Alvarez's savage god. Leaving a beautiful corpse at 82. After my father's death almost six years later: this lesson taken away was that when a bad-tempered person dies at 94, it is a good thing.


In between my parents' passings came 9/11, the paradigm for the unexpected. Behind it, that pale alter-bully, the one in the wrapped pillbox. Did all this observation help me open my heart to the The Bully a year ago exactly? Did Father Sanchez, habitue of the Cardiac Care Unit, help where a slow artery leak was heading to nowhere until 5 units of blood, my daughter Sarah, some vitamin K, and Thich Nhat Hanh intervened?  Anything helping before those four vital factors is still hard to ponder. For a few hours, I think it was all there, all possible. Speaking karmically, my friend said,


"I know wherever YOU end up, you'll be fine."


I felt I could go where all the lost people had gone and met him, though I still knew I'd rather not. The climax came in the form of an angiogram with a dream team of darling young Asian men and women who eased me through a 21st-century hour-long matrix of black, blue, and red, with action originating from my thigh, like Zeus. When I emerged, back in my room, my best friends were chatting nonstop, and Sarah was telling someone close that,


I "wasn't taking any calls."


was around then that I started to turn my back on that ultimate meeting, though it has remained in the periphery.


Editors Note:


Marilyn Fuss, a former teacher, is a supporter of just causes and a lover of ephemera.




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